: : : the archives : : :
08.24.05
. . . huh?
someone i consider a friend told me i reminded him of hellboy - sarcastic, angry, ready to do battle at the drop of a hat.
i guess it was a compliment (don't worry, i took it that way) - and although i don't have the horns (or the desire to file them down with a 6 inch angle grinder), i certainly have the anger. and willingness to do battle.
crappy thing is, it seems lately the only things that i've decided were worth shedding blood for managed to find a way to bite me on the arse. frankly, i'm tired of patching my psyche up every few years or so, much less regrowing butt-cheeks.
my rat-chewed posterior aside, i truly wish i could quit. quit caring, quit feeling, quit dreaming. thank goodness that a life without hope is anathema.
i've fought my fight, and lost the battle. what remains to be seen is if the war is over - it feels like a cease-fire - and if i put my ear to the shell of my life, and listen super-extra hard, i swear i can hear troops singing christmas carols across the lines of the western front.
heh. i think its an echo.
08.24.05
. . . a fox or a lion?
a sufi teaching story tells of a man who prayed continually for the awareness to succeed in life. then one night he dreamed of going into the forest to attain understanding. the next morning he went into the woods and wandered for several hours looking for some sign that would provide answers.
when he finally stopped to rest, he saw a fox with no legs lying between two rocks in a cool place. curious as to how a legless fox could survive, he waited until sunset when he observed a lion come and lay meat before the fox.
"ah, i understand," the man thought. "the secret to success in life is to trust that god will take care of all my needs. i don't need to provide for myself. all i have to do is totally surrender to my all-sustaining god."
two weeks later, weakened and starving, the man had another dream. in it he heard a voice say, "fool. be like the lion, not like the fox."
when he finally stopped to rest, he saw a fox with no legs lying between two rocks in a cool place. curious as to how a legless fox could survive, he waited until sunset when he observed a lion come and lay meat before the fox.
"ah, i understand," the man thought. "the secret to success in life is to trust that god will take care of all my needs. i don't need to provide for myself. all i have to do is totally surrender to my all-sustaining god."
two weeks later, weakened and starving, the man had another dream. in it he heard a voice say, "fool. be like the lion, not like the fox."
08.23.05
. . . another zen story
an old monk sat by the side of the road - eyes closed, his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap, he sat in deep meditation.
suddenly his zazen was interrupted by the harsh and demanding voice of a samurai warrior. "old man! teach me about heaven and hell!"
at first, as though he had not heard, there was no perceptible response from the monk. but gradually he began to open his eyes, the faintest hint of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth as the samurai stood there, waiting impatiently, growing more and more agitated with each passing second.
"you wish to know the secrets of heaven and hell?" replied the monk at last. "you who are so unkempt. you whose hands and feet are covered with dirt. you whose hair is uncombed, whose breath is foul, whose sword is rusted and neglected. you who are ugly and whose mother dresses you funny. you would ask me of heaven and hell?"
the samurai uttered a vile curse. he drew his sword and raised it high over his head. his face turned to crimson, and the veins of his neck stood out in bold relief as he prepared to sever the monk's head from its shoulders.
"that is hell," said the old monk gently, just as the sword began its descent.
in that fraction of a second, the samurai was overcome with amazement, awe, compassion and love for this gentle being who had dared to risk his very life to give him such a teaching. he stopped his sword in mid-flight and his eyes filled with grateful tears.
"and that," said the monk, "is heaven."
suddenly his zazen was interrupted by the harsh and demanding voice of a samurai warrior. "old man! teach me about heaven and hell!"
at first, as though he had not heard, there was no perceptible response from the monk. but gradually he began to open his eyes, the faintest hint of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth as the samurai stood there, waiting impatiently, growing more and more agitated with each passing second.
"you wish to know the secrets of heaven and hell?" replied the monk at last. "you who are so unkempt. you whose hands and feet are covered with dirt. you whose hair is uncombed, whose breath is foul, whose sword is rusted and neglected. you who are ugly and whose mother dresses you funny. you would ask me of heaven and hell?"
the samurai uttered a vile curse. he drew his sword and raised it high over his head. his face turned to crimson, and the veins of his neck stood out in bold relief as he prepared to sever the monk's head from its shoulders.
"that is hell," said the old monk gently, just as the sword began its descent.
in that fraction of a second, the samurai was overcome with amazement, awe, compassion and love for this gentle being who had dared to risk his very life to give him such a teaching. he stopped his sword in mid-flight and his eyes filled with grateful tears.
"and that," said the monk, "is heaven."
08.23.05
. . . rofl
the air force assignment management system was hacked, and over 33,000 officers (and 19 enlisted members) had thier personal data stolen.
if it was me, i'd think it was tragic - as it happened to other people, its comedy gold!
if it was me, i'd think it was tragic - as it happened to other people, its comedy gold!
08.23.05
. . . mortriden
i stopped my keyhole, put my shoes toe first against the door, and got into my bed backwards. the old folk remedy against the dreams didn't help. it's three-thirty in the morning, and i'm awake again. i was so exhausted that i fell asleep at my desk a little after five last night.
so i went to bed. woke up at nine, eleven, one, and now, three. i don't really have much chance of getting back to sleep after the last one, so i'm just gonna stay up and hope that the coffee and adrenaline keeps me going until i can get to work.
i have bad dreams, you see. not your garden variety everyday scary ones, nope. dreams that are vivid, immersive, wake-up-in-a-sweat, crying out loud full on nightmares.
the "mare" in "nightmare" is not a female horse, but a mara, an anglo-saxon/norse term for a female spirit that sat on sleepers' chests, causing them to have bad dreams.
ironic.
08.21.05
. . . kung fu hustle
see it. it's worth it. are all kung fu flicks this good? should i learn to suffer the subtitles for such great fight scenes???
08.20.05
. . . 33
a long time on this planet. i caught myself feeling sorry for me today. i took one good look at my daughter at the beach, playing in the water, and realized that my problems are just that - problems.
they are paltry and pale compared to the little girl asleep in the car next to me on the way back from armstrong redwoods and goat rock. i love her more than life, more every day, and will always. i'm her champion, her knight, her father. no-one can take that from me, and as it is the most precious thing i have, why feel sorry for myself?
the past few years have been rough for me. those of you who pay attention to this place and read it know that.
but through it all, maddie has been constant. a light that guides me, and frankly has kept me alive in the darkest night - a blackness so deep and enveloping that i didn't even know i was in the dark.
you people have no idea, and i won't tell you. know this - hell doesn't scare me. i've been, done the grand tour, and have all the souvenirs.
i'm going to be alone for a while, but that's okay - i've been here before, and i'm comfortable with it. someday, i'll have what i want and deserve. don't feel bad for me, don't feel sorry for me, don't cry for me - i appreciate all your support, your prayers, your love.
you'll never understand - even i don't. but that's ok. it's finished.
you did your worst, you absolute horror of a human being - and i'm still standing.
live with that.
08.19.05
. . . another year down
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday mr. bolander...
happy birthday to me.
depressing, ain't it? yeah. it is.
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday mr. bolander...
happy birthday to me.
depressing, ain't it? yeah. it is.
08.18.05
. . . a plan for the united states
per robin williams:
- the u.s. will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. you know, hitler, mussolini, stalin, tojo, noriega, milosevic, hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we will never "interfere" again.
- we will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with germany, south korea, the middle east, and the philippines. they don't want us there. we would station troops at our borders. no one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
- all illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. we'll give them a free trip home. after 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. they're illegal!!! france will welcome them.
- all future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!! no one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. if you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. asylum would never be available to anyone. we don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
- no foreign "students" over age 21. the older ones are the bombers. if they don't attend classes, they get an "f" and it's back home baby.
- the u.s. will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. this will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the alaskan wilderness. the caribou will have to cope for a while.
- offer saudi arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. if they don't like it, we go some place else. they can go somewhere else to sell their production. (about a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
- if there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." they can pray to allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. the people who need it most get very little, if anything.
- ship the united nations headquarters to an isolated island some place. we don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
- all americans must go to charm and beauty school. that way, no one can call us "ugly americans" any longer. the language we speak is english. learn it or leave. now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
- the statue of liberty is no longer saying 'give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' she's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'!
this is actually a bit more "peaceful" than my own, but if i actually posted what i truly thought, my mom would have me committed.
- the u.s. will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. you know, hitler, mussolini, stalin, tojo, noriega, milosevic, hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we will never "interfere" again.
- we will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with germany, south korea, the middle east, and the philippines. they don't want us there. we would station troops at our borders. no one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
- all illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. we'll give them a free trip home. after 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. they're illegal!!! france will welcome them.
- all future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!! no one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. if you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. asylum would never be available to anyone. we don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
- no foreign "students" over age 21. the older ones are the bombers. if they don't attend classes, they get an "f" and it's back home baby.
- the u.s. will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. this will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the alaskan wilderness. the caribou will have to cope for a while.
- offer saudi arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. if they don't like it, we go some place else. they can go somewhere else to sell their production. (about a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
- if there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." they can pray to allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. the people who need it most get very little, if anything.
- ship the united nations headquarters to an isolated island some place. we don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
- all americans must go to charm and beauty school. that way, no one can call us "ugly americans" any longer. the language we speak is english. learn it or leave. now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
- the statue of liberty is no longer saying 'give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' she's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'!
this is actually a bit more "peaceful" than my own, but if i actually posted what i truly thought, my mom would have me committed.
08.17.05
. . . up and down
like a roller coaster. the mood lasted until maybe 3 pm. taking my good friend nick's advice, i've listened to a selection of goodness from morrissey and marr, and while i don't feel better, i feel more whole, i guess.
for your reading pleasure - an appropos song indeed.
i dreamt about you last night
and i fell out of bed twice
you can pin and mount me
like a butterfly
but take me to the haven of your bed
was something that you never said
two lumps, please
you're the bee's knees
but so am i
meet me at the fountain
shove me on the patio
i'll take it slowly
fifteen minutes with you
oh i wouldn't say no
people see no worth in you
oh but i do
reel around the fountain - the smiths
for your reading pleasure - an appropos song indeed.
i dreamt about you last night
and i fell out of bed twice
you can pin and mount me
like a butterfly
but take me to the haven of your bed
was something that you never said
two lumps, please
you're the bee's knees
but so am i
meet me at the fountain
shove me on the patio
i'll take it slowly
fifteen minutes with you
oh i wouldn't say no
people see no worth in you
oh but i do
reel around the fountain - the smiths
08.16.05
. . . a new day
something about the way i slept, the dreams i had, or the mood i'm in this early in the morning, i'm not sure. i feel better than i have in months, maybe years. i'm starting to like me again, beginning to feel that things will work out for the best, and actually believing that they will.
"i hear that train a comin',
its comin' 'round the bend,
and i ain't seen the sunshine
since, i dont know when..."
-johnny cash
hope is something i've lived a long time without. it's nice to sense her return.
08.13.05
. . . okay, i was wrong.
it's histrionic personality disorder. the narsissitic stuff was just the abuse...
08.13.05
. . . percentages
from this source:
(some) behavioral traits of an abusive person
abuses a child through deliberate neglect
argues in front of a child
uses a child as a human shield
throws things at a child
makes false child abuse charges
makes false partner abuse charges
falsely applies for a restraining order
forges or alters papers to deny another of property
feigns helplessness or illnesses
false or self-inflicted injuries
unsuccessful suicide attempts
threatens suicide
engages in unlawful activity
bruises easily
abuses blood thinners
uses illegal substances
flirts seductively with others in public
adulterous or makes false accusations of adultery
sexual battery (groin attacks etc)
initiates unwanted sexual advances
constant nagging or yammering
repeated questioning
exaggerated sense of entitlement
exaggerated sense of self-importance
isolates you from family and friends
makes disparaging remarks about you disparages your relatives
disparages your friends
tries to ruin your employment
prevents you from sleeping
causes you to be chronically late
repetitively calls you at your place of work
violates your privacy and meddles in your private matters
intercepts, steals, or opens your mail
withholds or hides your possessions or medications
steals or destroys your possessions
locks you out of your home
tracks your mileage, time, and money
steals from your private money and accounts
forges your signature
contrasting public and private behavior
kills or tortures pets
treats you as a slave
denies their own abusive behavior
coercion by threats or action
threatens to leave or orders you to leave
uses others to assault or batter you
threatens to call police if you do not obey
repeated attacks on your sense of worth
chronic rage or anger
stalking
pouts and sulks often and for long intervals when they don't get their way.
they are accomplished actors and actresses
seeks to control everything and everyone
engages in melodramatic behavior
chronic lying and guile
erratic mood swings
chronic binges on food
uses several names, ages, or birthdays
frequent and inappropriate displays of anger
causes physical and emotional battery
causes public humiliation
often threatens to get their own way
blames you for their behavior
makes public scenes
embarrassing public behavior
selfish and arrogant
ascribes their own conduct, ideas and impulses to you
the "if i can't have you, no one will mentality"
treats others with contempt
hostility while in any form of transportation
lacks genuine remorse
victims of abuse and violence
can be afraid to tell anyone
can be ashamed that they failed as a person
can be concerned about further abuse or violence
have developed skin lesions
can experience panic attacks or symptoms of ptsd
can become dispirited and frustrated
can feel guilt about leaving their partner
can believe that they have done something to deserve it
can feel that no one will believe them
can feel sadness or depression
can feel humiliation or anger
are worried about the children if they leave
are worried about their financial security
worry about their home and belongings
can not live at home in peace
often have meals away from home
endure anxiety
endure depression
have distrust of others
sense emptiness
can have flashbacks
can exhibit intensified vigilance
can exhibit increased irritability
can develop insomnia (sleeplessness)
feel listless
can have loss of appetite
can have loss of sexual desire
can have many medical complaints
can have memory problems
can have nightmares
can have precognition (the perception of an event before it occurs)
can have pseudo (ghost) pains
can feel a sense of helplessness
can exhibit social withdrawal
can exhibit shakes or tremors
can exhibit an inability to concentrate
can have diarrhea
can have nausea and vomiting
can have an amplified startle response
can have amplified senses
can have unexplained weight gain or loss
can experience recurrent headaches
can become substance dependent
can resent those who have harmed them
the numbers are scary...
(some) behavioral traits of an abusive person
abuses a child through deliberate neglect
argues in front of a child
uses a child as a human shield
throws things at a child
makes false child abuse charges
makes false partner abuse charges
falsely applies for a restraining order
forges or alters papers to deny another of property
feigns helplessness or illnesses
false or self-inflicted injuries
unsuccessful suicide attempts
threatens suicide
engages in unlawful activity
bruises easily
abuses blood thinners
uses illegal substances
flirts seductively with others in public
adulterous or makes false accusations of adultery
sexual battery (groin attacks etc)
initiates unwanted sexual advances
constant nagging or yammering
repeated questioning
exaggerated sense of entitlement
exaggerated sense of self-importance
isolates you from family and friends
makes disparaging remarks about you disparages your relatives
disparages your friends
tries to ruin your employment
prevents you from sleeping
causes you to be chronically late
repetitively calls you at your place of work
violates your privacy and meddles in your private matters
intercepts, steals, or opens your mail
withholds or hides your possessions or medications
steals or destroys your possessions
locks you out of your home
tracks your mileage, time, and money
steals from your private money and accounts
forges your signature
contrasting public and private behavior
kills or tortures pets
treats you as a slave
denies their own abusive behavior
coercion by threats or action
threatens to leave or orders you to leave
uses others to assault or batter you
threatens to call police if you do not obey
repeated attacks on your sense of worth
chronic rage or anger
stalking
pouts and sulks often and for long intervals when they don't get their way.
they are accomplished actors and actresses
seeks to control everything and everyone
engages in melodramatic behavior
chronic lying and guile
erratic mood swings
chronic binges on food
uses several names, ages, or birthdays
frequent and inappropriate displays of anger
causes physical and emotional battery
causes public humiliation
often threatens to get their own way
blames you for their behavior
makes public scenes
embarrassing public behavior
selfish and arrogant
ascribes their own conduct, ideas and impulses to you
the "if i can't have you, no one will mentality"
treats others with contempt
hostility while in any form of transportation
lacks genuine remorse
78%
victims of abuse and violence
can be afraid to tell anyone
can be ashamed that they failed as a person
can be concerned about further abuse or violence
have developed skin lesions
can experience panic attacks or symptoms of ptsd
can become dispirited and frustrated
can feel guilt about leaving their partner
can believe that they have done something to deserve it
can feel that no one will believe them
can feel sadness or depression
can feel humiliation or anger
are worried about the children if they leave
are worried about their financial security
worry about their home and belongings
can not live at home in peace
often have meals away from home
endure anxiety
endure depression
have distrust of others
sense emptiness
can have flashbacks
can exhibit intensified vigilance
can exhibit increased irritability
can develop insomnia (sleeplessness)
feel listless
can have loss of appetite
can have loss of sexual desire
can have many medical complaints
can have memory problems
can have nightmares
can have precognition (the perception of an event before it occurs)
can have pseudo (ghost) pains
can feel a sense of helplessness
can exhibit social withdrawal
can exhibit shakes or tremors
can exhibit an inability to concentrate
can have diarrhea
can have nausea and vomiting
can have an amplified startle response
can have amplified senses
can have unexplained weight gain or loss
can experience recurrent headaches
can become substance dependent
can resent those who have harmed them
86%
the numbers are scary...
08.13.05
. . . more
so, i've been trying to figure it all out...and came across this link...
"abuse and violence are behaviors chosen by a woman to cause physical, sexual, or emotional damage and worry or fear. women who behave this way are often promiscuous, selfish, and narcissistic. such a woman uses her moods, rage, and impulses to control the people around her and she is not satisfied until they have noticed her. these women choose deceit, fury, and assault to get their own way and then revels in the addicting exhilarating emotional unrest they create. others, more insidiously, present a personable public image to conceal their true character and behavior.
these women lie, connive, and extort. to insult and humiliate their partner, some argue and use offensive language in the presence of others including their children. many steal or destroy their partner's possessions. these women are driven by jealousy and view others as rivals. they treat their partners as possessions and strive to isolate them from friends and family.
many abusive women falsely accuse their partners of infidelity while they have affairs. these women often abuse children or animals. nearly all exhibit erratic mood changes, feign illnesses or injuries, and most are practiced actresses. they are not sick; they play the triple roles of a terrorist, a tyrant, and a victim.
at some point, she will falsely accuse her husband or partner of a crime. false allegations of child abuse continue to be a common feature in divorce proceedings and the courts ignore the problem. now, the domestic violence accusation has become the woman's weapon of choice. apart from the monetary and property gains, domestic violence is so easy to fabricate and these women crave the pleasure that comes from destroying their husband or partner.
persons who have experienced an abusive relationship often experience fear or shame or bewilderment. they have tried everything and nothing works. these people have found themselves not knowing what will happen next, riding on an emotional roller coaster that they cannot escape. most are sad, depressed, humiliated, and just plain exhausted. many have lost everything they had in the world and are worried about their future. however, these women have no limits. their outrageous behavior escalates to unbelievable levels and so, no one believes the victim."
believe me.
"when faced with the breakup of a relationship, especially a marriage, some women become vindictive, and abusive women become very dangerous. when others (friends, relatives, police, attorneys, and judges) believe her, they join in, and the frustrated husband or partner finds himself a victim of undeserved hatred, defamation, and abuse.
the other dangers are that some women kill their partner, or the partner's new companion, or the children, or the relatives, or stage unsuccessful suicides. sometimes, women fake or inflict injuries on themselves, or use an accomplice, a relative or new lover, to frame her husband or partner. the most common behaviors are pressing false criminal charges, stealing or destroying property, snatching children, and engaging in bad faith litigation."
i'm waiting.
"abuse and violence are behaviors chosen by a woman to cause physical, sexual, or emotional damage and worry or fear. women who behave this way are often promiscuous, selfish, and narcissistic. such a woman uses her moods, rage, and impulses to control the people around her and she is not satisfied until they have noticed her. these women choose deceit, fury, and assault to get their own way and then revels in the addicting exhilarating emotional unrest they create. others, more insidiously, present a personable public image to conceal their true character and behavior.
these women lie, connive, and extort. to insult and humiliate their partner, some argue and use offensive language in the presence of others including their children. many steal or destroy their partner's possessions. these women are driven by jealousy and view others as rivals. they treat their partners as possessions and strive to isolate them from friends and family.
many abusive women falsely accuse their partners of infidelity while they have affairs. these women often abuse children or animals. nearly all exhibit erratic mood changes, feign illnesses or injuries, and most are practiced actresses. they are not sick; they play the triple roles of a terrorist, a tyrant, and a victim.
at some point, she will falsely accuse her husband or partner of a crime. false allegations of child abuse continue to be a common feature in divorce proceedings and the courts ignore the problem. now, the domestic violence accusation has become the woman's weapon of choice. apart from the monetary and property gains, domestic violence is so easy to fabricate and these women crave the pleasure that comes from destroying their husband or partner.
persons who have experienced an abusive relationship often experience fear or shame or bewilderment. they have tried everything and nothing works. these people have found themselves not knowing what will happen next, riding on an emotional roller coaster that they cannot escape. most are sad, depressed, humiliated, and just plain exhausted. many have lost everything they had in the world and are worried about their future. however, these women have no limits. their outrageous behavior escalates to unbelievable levels and so, no one believes the victim."
believe me.
"when faced with the breakup of a relationship, especially a marriage, some women become vindictive, and abusive women become very dangerous. when others (friends, relatives, police, attorneys, and judges) believe her, they join in, and the frustrated husband or partner finds himself a victim of undeserved hatred, defamation, and abuse.
the other dangers are that some women kill their partner, or the partner's new companion, or the children, or the relatives, or stage unsuccessful suicides. sometimes, women fake or inflict injuries on themselves, or use an accomplice, a relative or new lover, to frame her husband or partner. the most common behaviors are pressing false criminal charges, stealing or destroying property, snatching children, and engaging in bad faith litigation."
i'm waiting.
08.13.05
. . . oi vay, my achin' back
ugh. i ache. i smell like wood, sawdust, glue. i feel much better - and actually got something made. crosscut table for the shop - i volunteer, and they "pay" me in free materials and shop time. had a blast...
08.13.05
. . . the woodshop
i'm finally going back to something i love almost as much as my daughter - working wood. my palms itch for the feel of the wood, the iron, the dust that labor creates.
i can't hardly wait - but first, i've got to watch norm...
08.12.05
. . . comments
the comment section is back up. i've neglected this place too long. i wonder if anyone is still reading this???
08.12.05
. . . i finally figured it out !
finally, some explanation for the train wreck...
narcissistic personality disorder
" now, it is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. the first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. but note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. (my emphasis) adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time.
it is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. they're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. that is, as long as they think you don't count or they're afraid of you, they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. but, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding -- and, (my emphasis) if you ever say "i love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. the abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience that i was plenty old before i realized that it was actually my expression of affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions. once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. if you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you. if you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off -- just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. the narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: "if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off" [matt. 18:8]. this means you.
so, yes, it's possible to get along with narcissists, but it's probably not worth bothering with. if family members are narcissists, you have my deep sympathy. if people you work with are narcissists, you will be wise to keep an eye on them, if just for your own protection, because they don't think very well, no matter what their iq's, (my emphasis) they feel that the rules (of anything) don't apply to them, and they will always cut corners and cheat wherever they think they can get away with it, not to mention alienating co-workers, clients, and customers by their arrogance, lies, malice, and off-the-wall griping. narcissists are threatened and enraged by trivial disagreements, mistakes, and misunderstandings, plus they have evil mouths and will say anything, so if you continue to live or work with narcissists, expect to have to clean up after them, expect to lose friends over them, expect big trouble sooner or later. "
" once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. in their world, love is a weakness and saying "i love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. they can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. if you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever i ask," "i give up on you." "
there's so much more - this is so relevant it gave me goosebumps when i read it.
HOLY CRAP !
narcissistic personality disorder
" now, it is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. the first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. but note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. (my emphasis) adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time.
it is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. they're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. that is, as long as they think you don't count or they're afraid of you, they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. but, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding -- and, (my emphasis) if you ever say "i love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. the abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience that i was plenty old before i realized that it was actually my expression of affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions. once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. if you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you. if you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off -- just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. the narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: "if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off" [matt. 18:8]. this means you.
so, yes, it's possible to get along with narcissists, but it's probably not worth bothering with. if family members are narcissists, you have my deep sympathy. if people you work with are narcissists, you will be wise to keep an eye on them, if just for your own protection, because they don't think very well, no matter what their iq's, (my emphasis) they feel that the rules (of anything) don't apply to them, and they will always cut corners and cheat wherever they think they can get away with it, not to mention alienating co-workers, clients, and customers by their arrogance, lies, malice, and off-the-wall griping. narcissists are threatened and enraged by trivial disagreements, mistakes, and misunderstandings, plus they have evil mouths and will say anything, so if you continue to live or work with narcissists, expect to have to clean up after them, expect to lose friends over them, expect big trouble sooner or later. "
" once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. in their world, love is a weakness and saying "i love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. they can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. if you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever i ask," "i give up on you." "
there's so much more - this is so relevant it gave me goosebumps when i read it.
HOLY CRAP !
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