"when upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
and you are discouraged thinking all is lost...
...count your many blessings,
name them one by one..."

• my daughter
• my family
• my health
• my job

and as stormy as the seas ahead look, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. finally.

so, hope yours was happy. mine was spent without my daughter, so you can guess how much fun i had. the house is so empty when she isn't here. the easter bunny didn't bring me anything, but there is a nice package from mom and dad, as well as a basket for the girl.

i'm so very tired. i wish i could sleep until i was tired of sleep itself, but the dreams are rough - tomorrow's another day.

he even said it, and what a powerfully moving piece of drama the following is:

"come now, think a moment: this nose of mine, which precedes me by a quarter of an hour wherever i go, forbids me ever to dream of being loved by even an ugly woman. you ask me whom i love? the answer should be clear to you! whom else would i love but the most beautiful woman in the world? of course! the most beautiful of all women! the most captivating, the most intelligent... the blondest... it's perfectly transparent. yes, roxanne. look at me and tell me what hope this protuberance might leave me! i have no illusions. sometimes in the blue shadows of evening, i give way to tender feelings. i go into a garden, smelling the fragrance of spring with my poor monstrous nose, and watch a man and a woman strolling together moonlight. i think how much i, too, would like to be walking arm in arm with a woman, under the moon. i let myself be carried away, i forget myself -- and then i suddenly see the shadow of my profile on the garden wall."

understand it - and if you do, more power to you. the sense of hopelessness, of longing, of self-loathing, all of it. and the worst part? he confesses to his true love, and still she does not understand. maybe she chooses not to. they say love is blind. true love is, but false love has the eyesight of a starving harrier. woe unto the unwary and hapless mouse crouching in his field...

i've moved, but still working on settling in. thank heavens for friends like those who helped me pack up and get my stuff out of the old house. jason and christie, you guys were my saviour, multiple times.

to all the rest, my eternal gratitude. rick, cat, rudi, julie and her hubby, jason, i couldn't have done it so quickly without you all.

the gang at ars have finally gotten the search on the forums going. it helped me find this thread. if you aren't a subscriber, you won't be able to read it, so i'll re-post it:

---

sigh. here goes...

do i feel alone? all the time. on a crowded street, i am alone. in a roomful of people, i am alone. with family, friends, and loved ones, i am alone. "it hurts" doesn't even begin to describe it.

most times, it's a dull ache deep inside, and i too look up (at the ceiling of the world), see the stars painted there, and wonder if i'll ever feel wanted, needed, loved. this feeling is pervasive, inescapable, relentless agony, regardless of my relationship status.

sometimes, though, it's far worse. times like these, i yearn with every fiber of my being to be held, for gentle hands to stroke my hair, to caress my face, warm and loving arms to enfold me and protect me as i cry. i care not for sexual intimacy, i only want to be held.

i want to hear the whispered words "it's okay, i'm here, it'll be allright" as my soul tears itself away from my body, pours out my eyes, rips itself from a tortured throat, my body bathed in a white hot river of molten suffering. times like this i would rather be dead than live one single second more in such pain. it folds me up, like the origami masterpiece of a madman bent on my destruction. it's physical, the utter and complete desolation, desolation that wraps a 30 year old man into as tight a ball he can manage, huddled in a corner under a blanket, sobbing softly.

times like this, i'd trade all my possessions, all my dreams, abandon everything of meaning to me for just one night where this bitter cup was not mine to drink. please please please anyone, somebody, help me. take it from my lips. i cannot drink any more. i'm drunk and sick and more on the gall of it.

times like this, all i have is a pillow, an empty bed, an empty life.

nothing brings surcrease. a void yawns black below my feet every single night. it's a hole, a great and terrible lack of something, anything inside. sometimes, if i'm tired, i can fall asleep before i plummet into the dark. most nights, i can't seem to find gilead, and her balm is lost to me. this is why i survive on a few hours of sleep a day - i keep hoping that i can fall asleep before my demons take hold of me, and begin to hurt me.

not to denegrate or in any way set aside your pain, friend, when you've been hurt as i have, when you've undergone the suffering that i've experienced, when you go to sleep crying, wake up, remember where and what you are, and sob anew at the thought of another day with this emptiness inside, come and we'll discuss. we'll go to a cafe, watch the people parade by, and philosophize.

i've begun to loathe myself. the joy of living leaches out of me. the leaves of my existence are steeped in the water of life, drained by the immensity of my regret, my lonliness, my transformation into pain.

i am your pain, my friend, and when i find that which fills this abyss, or at least bridges the chasm, i'll share.

until then, seek ye out the small brass gate in the towering wall of sleep. enter, and walk the streets of your dreams with your head high, your eyes proud and fierce. the deamons will see this attitude, and fear you. sleep will once again be the balm you so desperately need.

cats and women aren't the answer. neither is a premature end. there is only survival.

---

i posted that on 2 september 2002. it's been over a year and a half since i put that up. things haven't changed...

roolz m3! f34r!

but read the lyrics, because they are everything that i want to say but can't bring myself utter...

how dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
so condescending unnecessarily critical
i have the tendency of getting very physical
so watch your step cause if i do you'll need a miracle

you drain me dry and make me wonder why i'm even here
this double vision i was seeing is finally clear
you want to stay but you know very well i want you gone
not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that i'm walking on

when it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
you'll understand what i mean when i say
there's no way we're gonna give up
and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

what you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
you should know better you never listened to what i've said
clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
hoping somebody someday will do you like i did

when it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
you'll understand what i mean when i say
there's no way we're gonna give up
and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

does it kill
does it burn
is it painful to learn
that it's me that has all the control

does it thrill
does it sting
when you feel what i bring
and you wish that you had me to hold

when it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
you'll understand what i mean when i say
there's no way we're gonna give up
and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
is there anyone out there cuz its gettin harder and harder to breathe

man, right on the head again