okay, i'm going downrange. can't say where, i just know that i'll be back in a day or two. i'll be safe. i've got a beautiful baby girl and the most wonderful woman in the world to come home to, and nothing, nothing will stop me.

here's something for you, rose:

because she would ask me why i loved her

if questioning would make us wise
no eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
if all our tale were told in speech
no mouths would wander each to each.

were spirits free from mortal mesh
and love not bound in hearts of flesh
no aching breasts would yearn to meet
and find their ecstasy complete.

for who is there that lives and knows
the secret powers by which he grows?
were knowledge all, what were our need
to thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?

then seek not, sweet, the "if" and "why"
i love you now until i die.
for i must love because i live
and life in me is what you give.

- christopher brennan

i love you all. fear not, though this feels like the valley of the shadow of death, for i am with you - in your hearts, your minds, your souls. always.

among flowers, the cherry blossom;
among men, the samurai.

- japanese proverb

"sonnets from the portuguese, xiv"
elizabeth barrett browning (1770-1850)

if thou must love me, let it be for nought
except for love's sake only. do not say
'i love her for her smile--her look--her way
of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
that falls in well with mine, and certes brought
a sense of pleasant ease on such a day
for these things in themselves, beloved, may
be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
may be unwrought so. neither love me for
thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,
a creature might forget to weep, who bore
thy comfort long, and lose thy love, thereby!
but love me for love's sake, that evermore
thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

has always spoken to me, not via my ears, but directly to my heart, and my soul. this one is called "he remembers forgotten beauty", but what it tells me is not to remember forgotten beauty, but speaks of beauty everlasting.

when my arms wrap you round i press
my heart upon the loveliness
that has long faded from the world;
the jewelled crowns that kings have hurled
in shadowy pools, when armies fled;
the love-tales wrought with silken thread
by dreaming ladies upon cloth
that has made fat the murderous moth;
the roses that of old time were
woven by ladies in their hair,
the dew-cold lilies ladies bore
through many a sacred corridor
where such grey clouds of incense rose
that only god's eyes did not close:
for that pale breast and lingering hand
come from a more dream-heavy land,
a more dream-heavy hour than this;
and when you sigh from kiss to kiss
i hear white beauty sighing, too,
for hours when all must fade like dew.
but flame on flame, and deep on deep,
throne over throne where in half sleep,
their swords upon their iron knees,
brood her high lonely mysteries.

always, amor mio, always.

so, now the latest and greatest is trying to get paid for this tdy. not fun, and the deadline is approaching. i miss the days of large sums of filthy lucre in tall stacks, handed to me by the airman behind the cahsier's bulletproof glass. i want money, not plastic, and interim travel vouchers. ugh.

on to brighter things - it's a beautiful day, the sun is out, not a cloud in the sky, and bitter cold. the air seems to snap at you, as jack frost's assault's bounce off my smiling face. i smile because i know that i'm loved. i know it. and that makes all the difference in the world. which brings me to my quote for the day, a classic from our man about town, plato. be not afraid of the light, today, tomorrow, and always. always, embrace it.


we can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

- plato

can you say chicken with it's head cut off? whew. and it's almost over. but then again, i have to come back in to work my travel pay woes. and finish the epr bullets i promised my boss. so, mebbe not. oh well, c'est la vie!

at any rate, i got to talk to my baby rose, and my little baby maddie, both of them, and start both of their days. i miss you both, and love you all. i need to find my happy place - wait! i know where it is!!!


much better...

welp, another day, another dollah...this place begins to wear on you after a while, mostly because of the charlie sierra. if you have to ask...

at any rate, it's raining, and it's wonderful. the sounds, the wet, the warmth and the clouds scudding across the horizon make the day seem muted, less colorful, almost a grey day. and i love it.

the mountains are blanketed again with purest white, and the clouds rolled down the face as i ran this morning.

you know, running is a beautiful thing - it clears my head, allows me to think straight, and after a while, the wind, the sounds of my own breathing and footfalls, and the pain in my legs and sides combine to become a perfect drug. i understand now how people get addicted. i am. if there's a day that goes by where i don't, it's moved beyond guilt and now i miss it.

speaking of missing things, i miss you rose. i miss maddie, home, the sights and sounds and smells of the life i left behind. i've got 38 lousy more days, a long plane ride, and booyah, finito.

i can't wait. have to, but i really don't want to...


the day will come when, after harnessing space, the winds, the tides and gravitation, we shall harness for good the energies of love. and on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, we shall have discovered fire.

- pierre teilhard de chardin

at least the sunsets are beautiful - it's raining tonight, but an end of days like this one almost makes it better. almost. but not quite. wish you were here...

so, today marks the first of the 30's, and i'm a little frustrated that i can't accelerate time and space to the same pace my heart beats. patience is a virtue, and one that i wasn't blessed with from birth; what little i have, i've had to find inside me somewhere. it wells up from the same place i draw all my strength from.

maddie, i know that you're way too young to understand, but i'd really love it if you would talk to daddie on the phone, because i miss you and love you so much. you're getting to be such a big girl, with your pottie training and your big girl words, daddie can't call you "the baby" anymore - but you'll always be my baby.

rose, i miss you like the seas miss the shores, like the mountains miss the snow, like the wildflowers miss the sun.

i love you all, and cannot wait to be with you again.


i have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.

- mother teresa

i woke up at 4 am, made a couple of calls, then hit the track for a bit of sado-masochism. when i couldn't run anymore (and it felt great), i went back to the hotel, where michelle and travis invited me to go to venice with them. figured "beats sitting around doing nothing" so off we went.

we drove to pordenone, then hopped on a train bound for venice. we got there about noon, and took a water taxi down the grand canal to paizza san marco, or the heart and soul of the city.

it was amazing. venice is beautiful, ancient, rich, and so many other things that i cannot begin to describe the feelings that were going through my mind.

i wanted rose there, to share it with me. when you called to tell me you loved me, the day seemed brighter, more alive - made it possible for me to enjoy venice without you, but you're always with me. always.

the pictures will have to do...

---

your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. who looks outside, dreams. who looks inside, awakens.

- carl jung

i hate, i hate, i hate my gut. why? because he's never, ever wrong. right now, its screaming bloody flaming blue murder at me. for once, i actually hope that he's just upset because i haven't eaten anything other than a banana today.

---

nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

- ralph w. sockman

---

at any rate, the air force gave me a whopping ~ 94 dollar a month raise for 2003. take heart, faithful readers, its your tax dollars at work. and to think, we're the ones that the get sent into harm's way, to bleed, fight and if necessary, die for you and this country that we call home.

i'm not bitter, but fer the love of pete, write your congressman and your representative, and demand that we get a better raise than that.

here, write a narsty e-mail to your representative.

and while you're at it, write your senator, too.

so, the next time you hear about someone losing their life in the course of their duties, at least you'll know that they were being well paid to do so.

this time 'round, i don't wanna see the elephant. the show's nice and all, but i'll fly my desk, thanks very much.

"i long to touch your soul,
to taste the sacredness of you,
a love so pure, sublime, serene...
a dream contemptuous of time.

come to me, love, and wrap me up
in endless dreams, caresses sweet
with gentleness and joy.

my aching heart, filled with desire,
would gladly soar through time and space
just to dissolve in your embrace once more...
and melt into your soul's sweet fire."

---

only a little while longer, and this will be over. know that until then, my thoughts are with you, with the kids, and of home, constantly, and always...

eric and i came, we saw, and we proceeded to ram ourselves straight up that beast until we had her licked.




18 kilometers, 1500 meters of vertical rise in the first 4k, lots of sweat, some spilt blood, and a whole lot of laughter saw us to the top of the world, or what passes for it around here.

what a ride! lots more pictures here.

the old monk sat by the side of the road. with his eyes closed, his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap, he sat. in deep meditation, he sat.

suddenly his zazen was interrupted by the harsh and demanding voice of a samurai warrior. "old man! teach me about heaven and hell!"

at first, as though he had not heard, there was no perceptible response from the monk. but gradually he began to open his eyes, the faintest hint of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth as the samurai stood there, waiting impatiently, growing more and more agitated with each passing second.

"you wish to know the secrets of heaven and hell?" replied the monk at last. "you who are so unkempt. you whose hands and feet are covered with dirt. you whose hair is uncombed, whose breath is foul, whose sword is all rusty and neglected. you who are ugly and whose mother dresses you funny. you would ask me of heaven and hell?"

the samurai uttered a vile curse. he drew his sword and raised it high above his head. his face turned to crimson and the veins on his neck stood out in bold relief as he prepared to sever the monk's head from its shoulders.

"that is hell," said the old monk gently, just as the sword began its descent. in that fraction of a second, the samurai was overcome with amazement, awe, compassion and love for this gentle being who had dared to risk his very life to give him such a teaching. he stopped his sword in mid-flight and his eyes filled with grateful tears.

"and that," said the monk, "is heaven."

---

and what do you see here, is there wisdom to be gained? perhaps you've spent a time in hell, just so you can see what heaven is like.

maybe you're still in hell, but look forward to the end of this journey, for it is drawing to a close, and you too shall taste the fruits of life.

unless it's mad, passionate,
extraordinary love,
it's a waste of your time.
there are too many mediocre things in life
love shouldn't be one of them.

- anonymous

and you know what? it is...and it's mutual...and it's all i've ever wanted.

and as you can tell by the picture, it's got me more than a little down. she's not even been gone 12 hours and it feels like years...

that said, bella mia, i miss you, and i agree that this past week was the best of both our lives. our future looks so incredibly bright to me - and it'll be just like this past week, and that i promise.

i love you, rose, see you soon. safe journey, god's speed.